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Stone - Fourteen pounds (the weight, not the currency). For example, if you weigh 115 pounds, that's a bit more than eight stone; If you weigh 10 stone, you tip the scale to about 140 pounds; If you weigh 20 stone, you need to go on a diet.

Surgery - The doctor's or dentist's office. Needless to say, if you tell an Englishman that you had to go in for surgery, he will not be terribly impressed, nor will he affect that worried look on his face and ask "Oh my goodness (see: "crickey!"), what for?" If you then go one to recount the details of your surgery, he will become even less impressed because face it: nobody in the world likes to sit there and listen to your health problems. They will care even less that you were awake to watch the video screen as a tiny camera snaked its way through your intestines or that you got see your own gall bladder floating in a jar of formaldehyde. They may even be forced to make up some excuse to get away in a big hurry if you begin to mention how, in fact, you've still got that gall bladder here in your wallet, and if he'll just wait a second you can pull it out and... hey. Where are you going?

Telephone - (also: "Phone," or "Ring up") To call someone up on the phone. Never use "call" for the phone, as this only applied to calling out, with your voice, to someone who is actually within listening range (well, O.K., they may be out of listening range and you are just shouting at them anyway, but you know what I mean).

Theatre - Playhouse (not used for the places where they show movies-or rather, "pictures." See: "Cinema").

Towelette - Napkin (this is an important one not to screw up. See; "Napkin").

Torch - Flashlight. The English cause more household fires just trying to find their way to the fuse box when the lights go out.

Truncheon - Nightstick; Billy club. I hope you never have to put this term to use, as in: "No sir, Mr. Bobby, sir. I really didn't mean to insult the Queen like that. And yes, I can see how mooning the guards at Buckingham was a bit in poor taste, but please put down that truncheon. Nice doggie! Is his name Cujo, or...yeow!!"

University - The only term used to refer to a college-level academic institution. Never say "school" of "college." The former means only secondary school, and the latter refers to the units in a sort of residential division of University students, kind of like (but not very) American fraternities. Those of you who went to Yale know what I'm on about. You also never use the word "the" in front of "University." You say "I'm at University," or "I'm going back up to University on Sunday, so we'd better go get a hotel room right now."

W.C. - This stands for "water closet," a wonderfully reality-denying euphemism if I've ever heard one. (See: "Loo")

Wireless - A radio (as if we were back in the good old days of Marconi). There are many commercial stations popping up in England now, and the Virgin rock station, but you can still spin the dial and find the good old "BBC 5":

1. Pop rock
2. Easy listening (the sort of thing that in America would be called "Kiss" or "Easy" or "LiteFM")
3. Classical music and plays (the sort of station where the announcer sounds like he is heavily into Valium—almost as catatonic as a jazz DJ, only without as bass a voice)
4. Current affairs, arts, & drama (sort of the NPR/PRI of British radio)
5. Sports and News.

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