Food
Let me say straight
off here: I do not absolutely abhor all British food to the bottom of
my soul and with every fiber of my being. In fact, I have had some quite
lovely meals in Merrie ole' England (evidence of which will actually be
spread about in the entries below). I have, however, had some not-so-lovely
encounters with pub grub, fish 'n' chips, and other uniquely British "contributions"
to world cuisine. That considered, I may sound a bit overzealously hard
on the food in my descriptions here. But you know, you just gotta be a
bit wary of a people who will eat tiny salt-pickled fish for breakfast.
So if, despite centuries
of dire warnings from the cooks of lands commonly known to posses culinary
abilities far above those of the English--such as France, Italy, and the
school cafeteria you decide to partake of the local cuisine during
your stay, some of the below might help you navigate the scary, dangerous
waters of what the British like to pretend is "food."
By the way, the direct
phone line for the stomach pump unit of the Royal Free Hospital in London
is 020/7794-0500 x374.
Afters - Dessert.
This is assuming you dare to eat all that comes "befores." Also frequently
called a pudding, whether it comes in a snack pack or not.
Aubergines
- Eggplants. The English borrowed this term from the French. Unfortunately,
they did not borrow French cuisine as well.
Bill - The
check at a restaurant. This is assuming you want to pay for what they
served you, and that you aren't already being whisked off to the hospital
for a stomach pump, in which case the gratuity is waived.
Biscuit -
A catchall phrase meaning both cookies ("sweet biscuits") and crackers
("dry biscuits"). Sometimes they'll call one of those slightly sweet cookies
(like graham crackers) a "digestive biscuit," or merely a "digestive."
This to me, whether they actually help you digest your meal or not, is
not the sort of thing you want to call a dessert item. A laxative, maybe;
cookies, no.
Boiled Sweets
- OK, I'm sure the Brits are so used to calling hard candies by this phrase
that they don't even notice it sounds like some sort of awful culinary
experiment gone aawry and invovling figs, a crock pot, multicolored jimmies,
and some long-lost recipe written by a slightly deranged cousin of Martha
Stewart.
Caff - A cheap
eatery (akin to a diner) where you might have an encounter with British
food. There is really no way to prepare against this save by fasting,
so just try to take it in stride, and avoid "Casey Jones' Burgers" at
all costs.
Candy Floss
- A dentist's worst nightmare. In an age of bubble gum-flavored toothpaste,
is this any surprise? No, actually, it's Britspeak for "cotton candy,"
which is also a fairly decent metaphor for that pink spun-sugar carnival
snack. In fact, I think we have a tie here, which begs the question, which
is better: the term in real English, or the term in British English? Actually,
if you're looking for the most accurate metaphor, might I humbly suggest
a new, Reid English alternative: sugar steel wool. Cause when it comes
right down to it, the sticky stuff on the stick (or the downmarket version
in plastic bags) is most similar to a Brillo pad, minus the soap. [Note
to kids: do not eat actual steel wool; especially the soapy kind,
which tastes bad.] more
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