Flushing
My Way Through Europe (cont'd)
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Then
there are the kind of toilets that make you really begin to believe in
a higher power in the Universe, and it is obviously not an entirely benevolent
one. I speak of the incredibly powerful, and somewhat sinister, ferry
toilets.
All
European ferries are equipped with NASA-developed Super Suction Toilets.
After years of research, and with the help of a laser link through the
Hubble Space Miracle, scientists have managed to form a conduit directly
from ferry toilet stalls to a nearby black hole.
Once
you are done doing whatever it was that brought you into the bathroom
stall, you look around for a way to flush. If you have had the kind of
experience I have with European toilets, this is a task performed with
not just a bit of trepidation.
You
notice a large, rubber half-sphere embedded in the wall and decide to
press it in, fully expecting a normal flushing experience to ensue. It
squishes, and you wait.
For
a moment, nothing happens. You begin to get nervous and wonder if maybe
you pushed the wrong thing.
Then,
there is a faint...stirring of the air.
It is
followed by a sound like the tide rushing in at eighteen thousand miles
per hour. All of a sudden the tiny bit of water, and whatever you just
added to it, simply disappears, instantaneously.
It has
been beamed through the black hole, you see. A sort of Intergalactic Soil
Pipe. At this very moment, your waste is materializing over the heads
of some poor unsuspecting alien on a distant planet.
Actually,
it is nothing that complicated. The toilet's contents are merely sucked,
at supersonic speed, through the bottom of the bowl. They are immediately
followed by your breath, your belt if you forgot to buckle, any loose
change you may have, the toupee of the guy in the stall next to you, several
small children in the area, everything not bolted down to the deck of
the ship, and indeed, much of the Western hemisphere.
Ferry
toilets are quite an experience that I highly recommend... to the stout
of heart. One suggestion though: Before you flush, make sure to get a
good hold on something stable. Like Brazil.
At any
rate, British toilets are comfortably familiar. They have a luxuriously
deep, nicely rounded bowl with the hole located at the back of it. The
bowl contains plenty of water, a cozy amount just more than half filled.
Best of all, there is a lever -type flush handle near the top of the front
of the tank, which sits serenely and properly right in back of the bowl.
It's the little things like this that make you feel at home in a foreign
place.
Assuming
you survive the ferry ride over.
Copyright
1993 © by Reid Bramblett. All rights reserved.
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