Fleshburgers
1993
When traveling you
are constantly discovering and learning. These discoveries tend to be
lessons well learned and greatly appreciated from the safe distance
of several years' retrospect and many thousands of miles. At the time,
of course, you'd rather not discover anything that can't be easily explained
and readily dealt with with the help of your guidebook and a few key
Berlitz phrases.
This
is, of course, never the case.
Especially
where food is concerned.
I discovered
something about myself while standing in line at cafeteria (in German,
"Kaffetierienessenplatz") on Alserstrasse, near our hostel in Wien. I
discovered how little real, practical German I actually learned from conjugating
all those verbs in high school. I also realized that what little I had
learned did not include anything even remotely associated with food.
I propose
that my high school, and all others, include a list of basic phrases to
be taught in the first year of any language, before you delve into
the pluperfect tense. These would include such handy little snippets as
"Is that the meat of an animal that we, as Americans, normally eat, or
is it something we might keep as a pet?" This, you see, is a vital and
invaluable phrase, one that guidebooks should print in bold letters on
the front cover, which everyone should learn in the local language before
venturing anywhere. This is especially true if that "anywhere"
happens to be located in Austria.
As my
friends and I shuffled forward in line at the Viennese cafeteria, we peered
at the various sandwiches and wursts on display, hazarding mental guesses
on what they might be made of. We tried reading the signs that hung over
each display plate, but the names were barely pronouncable, let alone
translatable.
Frances
and Lauren looked at me expectantly and waited for me and my two years
of high school German to decipher what could be considered lunch. Everything
except the hamburger (which was clearly, and only marginally helpfully,
marked "Hamburger") looked like a fried chicken sandwich. I hadn't even
heard of any of the others except "Schnitzel," and I still don't even
know what that is made of anyway. I searched in vain for the one item
I expected to find in Vienna, but no tiny pickled hot dogs were in the
window. Someone should complain to the embassy about that. My friends
were still waiting for a translation.
"Looks
like fried chicken!" I said decisively.
They
were less than impressed.
By then
the line had moved forward a ways, and we were being addressed in German
by a blond woman wearing a greasy apron and standing behind the counter.
We quickly
decided that we should all try this one sandwich that looked the most
like fried chicken. It had a name like "Lieschen" or "Libchen" or "Liebling,"
although I really, really hope it wasn't that last one because from what
I recall that word means "little dear one" and is used to refer to a daughter
or niece.
I asked
the waitress "Was ist L-(whatever)in Englisch?" She looked
confused. "Ist es...uh...chicken?" I continued hopefully. "Chicken?"
I emphasized. I also raised my eyebrows in what I hope was an inquisitive
and helpful manner that would translate as "Is that the meat of a flightless,
somewhat stupid domestic fowl one might be inclined to fry and eat on
a bun?"
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